ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
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Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*