@favamp: If I were a dinosaur, I'd be a swagasaurus.
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@toastymoe: The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
@robdelaney: When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
@dog_feelings: the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
@SteveMartinToGo: Whenever I hear someone died of natural causes, I think, "Wait a minute. I have that."