[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
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My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes