If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
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[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!