If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
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Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
💯😂
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I’m putting together a team
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night