which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
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TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
That’s easy for you to say
The 6 types of sex
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.