If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
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My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad