If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
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Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much