If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
You Might Also Like
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.