If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
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Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs