Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
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Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.