@cpabry: If I were Amish, I'd have to convert to Pmish cause I'm not a morning person.
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@AngelaEhh: Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers: Please add : 'Don't trust a fart' to your side effects label. kthanksbye
@internetluke: [mom ridiculing me in front of new GF] "Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he'd get a new family"
@IrishVin: Her: Can I see your phone? Me: Cu-caw! Cu-caw! Cu-caw! **Flaps imaginary wings and flys into another room**
@thepunningman: Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.