If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
You Might Also Like
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.