@Kendragarden: If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
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@markedly: PERSON: I'm exhausted! ME: Me too! What'd you do? PERSON: Ran a half-marathon and helped my pal move. You? ME: I talked to like 4 people.
@ShrinkMedia: If I throw my son a baseball, he drops it. A football, he fumbles. But if I toss him a cell phone, my man has a sick one handed, no look.
@koalaslament: I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
@Sir_Strange: - Your Honor, I'd like to plead insanity. - On what grounds?! - I'm married. - I'll allow it.