[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
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[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.