If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
You Might Also Like
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.