IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
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interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Watson was Holmes schooled
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.