@IamEnidColeslaw: IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
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@Easy_Tiger__: ATTN: I'm looking for a new girlfriend Are you: 1. Between the age of 11-69? 2. Mostly female? 3. Trained to poop outside? DM for details
@mrsmith196645: 911: What is your emergency. M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she's smiling. Please hurry.
@illuminatedwndr: cop pulls me over 2nite. comes 2 my window n asks, Cop: "do you know y i pulled u over?" Me: "because Batman is catching all the criminals"
@RalphSudafed: A manual RT is like saying "Hey check out this guy, but keep looking at my face. Please...don't ever stop looking at my face..."