@Jarhead44: If I win the Powerball, I'm going to make golf illegal.
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@kyry5: [God creating the stingray] Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought "what if I made my bathmat a murderer?"
@chunkypony: *leaves one gummy bear in the packet* i'm letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
@AndyAsAdjective: I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out "Cue the battleship!" in her sleep & now I'm jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
@msdanifernandez: My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.