If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
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First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
smh
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman