@Jarhead44: If I win the Powerball, I'm going to make golf illegal.
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@cpsemple: Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
@Dr_awfulpants: [Water cooler] -Looks like you had a wild weekend! How'd you get the scratches? *flash back to me bathing my cat* -Uh, this chick bro. Yeah.
@bacon_gillepic: Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago* Receives check* Dang I just got a raise
@paperphotoyo: Him: Hey *types* *deletes* *types* *deletes* *Googles a cute reply* *looks at Wikipedia* *reads up on crime scenes* *forgets to write back*