If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
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Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read