If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
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Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Does beer think about me too?
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
accurate
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.