ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
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A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I can’t stop laughing at this
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators