It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
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I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”