The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
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Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?