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My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city: