If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
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“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Seek kebab; not attention
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.