If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
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Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
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*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
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a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.