My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
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Whoa 😂
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
😩😩😩
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.