If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
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don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks