If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
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“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”