If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
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One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.