My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
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Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?