If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
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If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
never forget
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster