@SteveInevitable: If I'm in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
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@flashember: Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats. Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep? "Shhh let sleeping dogs lie."
@JesKeepSwimming: I'm sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
@MsCassieDaniels: Canada's got it right, when they don't want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
@joeljeffrey: When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.