Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
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a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
#SCOTUS one-star review