If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
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Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.