[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
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One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are