If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
You Might Also Like
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
So the ex texted me
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.