@Ideal_Victoria: If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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@DaddyJew: Boss: you're late Me: traffic Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you
@ArtConDee: Can you just bear with me for a moment? *grabs salmon out of stream. bites head off. hibernates.*
@iwearaonesie: *helps wife get toddler in his high chair* wife: That's a new shirt, let's put a bib on you me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous