If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?