If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle