-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
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My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.