You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
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“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
October already? What’s next? November????
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots