@LoneWolfStories: If I'm your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.
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@MarfSalvador: Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have? Wildebeest: 4,000 Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
@KKAlThani: "Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?" - how waiters should greet people
@ipalatsky: An old Russian wisdom: Tell me who your friends are, And I'll tell you what you'll be charged with.
@ppppolls: 30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion