@LoneWolfStories: If I'm your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: What are you doing?! 5-year-old: Hugging my sister. Me: Hugs don't start with a flying tackle. 5: Me: 5: The good ones do.
@juliussharpe: I have the Anne Hathaway "It came true!" reaction whenever the guy at Subway hands me my sandwich.
@MikeRevenaugh: Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
@Carbosly: Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes? This is God thanking them for bacon.