INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
*feels the wind in my toe hair
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries