If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
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I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.