4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
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[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”