If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
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Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
yes… yes…
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Who does Amazon think I am?