@bobsin: If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she's practising for her next selfie
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@SamGrittner: POLICE OFFICER: "Do you know why I pulled you over?" ME: "Because you know I love riddles."
@SamuelHLowe: I'm sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don't really get the metric system. How much exactly is "in moderation"?
@thereverendcink: I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
@Brampersandon_: ME: need help? GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump ME (inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk): I thought u'd never ask