If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
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*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
m’lady
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Sheep
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
That’s not how days work.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!