If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
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I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.