The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
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I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
🐕🍷
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done