Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
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Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
We have a winner.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.