If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
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Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order