Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
You Might Also Like
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
can’t catch a break
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder