If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
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Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]