It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
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“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes